Numbered and Called

"When grace begins to rule, then our preoccupation 

with ourselves begins to leave." 
                                         - Alistair Begg

Search my heart and insecurities and see if there be any pride within me. This is how Monday began....two months ago.  A simple prayer, but a prayer that causes a lump to form in your throat as you count the cost of bringing this request to God.  God's word says to bring your petitions to Him, and ask whatever you will, and with confidence know that it is answered.

Rewind a few months back. I found myself in the heat of a battle that was perplexing and stunning all at the same time. Potential  to be stunting, but instead stunning. Have  you ever felt the weight of a storm that was brewing, but that hasn't touched you; hasn't directly impacted you, but you were aware of the chaos that was ensuing?

 This is the place I found myself. God has been up to so many amazing things. This present storm would render me...powerless. Unable to fight, unable to push, and unable to do anything but cry out to God for His perfect will to be done. Many times in ministry you find yourself trying to be obedient to God, only to find that in obedience you have discovered some hard truths about yourself. 

Let me paint you a picture. I am an only child. I was raised to handle my business if the need arose. I was never good at accepting "no" as an answer when I could force it into a "yes." I was blessed to marry my best friend. I had only been following the Lord for about a year when we married. He has raised me in my faith. In the beginning he would encourage me to be careful about anything that I would read about in regard to religion. This would prove to be contentious every time. As though I couldn't select reading material! I didn't understand at the time.

 There was never any room for grace in my relationships. Everything was a personal attack, and everyone was out to get me. We lived under a microscope. At this time I had joy, but I was toting some pretty heavy baggage. I thought this would just magically disappear when I began following Christ, but it didn't. I had not yet figured out how to be authentic. I was incredibly selfish. I could hold a grudge and tell myself lies that I eventually believed. I had to be in control of everything. I certainly didn't know how to follow and let my husband lead. 

 Fast forward.  I knew these things about myself, but over the years God has forged so much change in my life. I love the process of sanctification. It is a moment by moment growth in our faith. The process of becoming more like Christ. It is lifelong. We don't "arrive" the moment we become Christ followers, but we do begin in that instant. Time has proved to be a faithful friend.
Time with the Lord and with my faith has yielded fruit that I never knew I could bear. Sometimes storms hit us out of the blue and they absolutely stun us. Shake us to the core. And then God speaks to us in sweet peace to gently remind us that He has the plan. He is sovereign. We are going to be just fine. In all the areas I have grown I will have to say giving up control has been the most freeing. Realizing that I never was in control, and if I had been trials wouldn't have ever come my way. Letting go, learning to trust, and leaning on God have been priceless feats along my journey. I wanted to be in control because I could protect self from vulnerability and hurt. If I didn't let you call the shots you couldn't cause me any pain. It's the oldest trick in the book, and the dirtiest lie the enemy uses to isolate us from the people who love us most. 

Time has taught me how to trust the Lord. Let me say that again. Time has taught me HOW to trust the Lord. Our faith is active. It requires putting yourself out there. It requires each one of us to know that whatever God is allowing, whether comfortable or painstakingly hard, He won't leave us there. He's got us. We will be just fine, in time. Our problem just entered. Time. More specifically, His time. If He uncovered to us our most wretched sins all in a day we would bail out on this faith walk so fast. Instead, the sovereign, omnipotent God reveals it as we are ready to process and deal with it. He uses time to teach us. He uses time to mold us. He uses time to extend His mercies onto us. Time is our friend.

 Just recently I had a conversation about love. The question was posed, "why won't you just let me love you?" I will admit I was once again rendered powerless because I didn't understand. God used time to reveal a simple truth. You and I are alike in the answer to the question posed. We think we have to have something to offer someone else to be of worth in their life. That is a lie the enemy uses to keep us isolated as well. We are called to love each other. Love is from God. If you claim to know God you better clothe yourself in love every day. But think about this. Why don't we just let people love us, warts and all? 

A simple answer...pride.  Pride keeps us from seeing people the way God intended them to be seen. It takes us farther away from reality than we dare go. Pride causes us to think so highly of ourselves that we can't get out of the way to love or be loved. Pride tells us that we are in control, and that we are needed in every situation in order for things to turn out right. Pride tells us to self protect, don't let them see the struggle. Don't let them see the pain you carry from your past. Don't let them see that you don't have all the answers. Don't let them get close because even though I am different now they will learn about who I once was.

 These are common tactics in the enemy's arsenal. He wants you to isolate and inflate. Isolate yourself so that your remain a mystery. Inflate your view of self to validate all the areas your are so insecure in. One question...who hurt you? Who caused you to think that the human race cannot be trusted? Who caused you to believe that you were an island that needed no authentic companionship, friendship, and love?

Pride is such a cancer. You and I are not mysteries. We are very well known by our omniscient Father. He knows our thoughts before we even think them...

I keep having this one thought. It is simply this phrase "just do it God's way."

Just stop being critical. Just stop having your phone in your hand all the time checking statuses and updates. Just stop cussing. Just stop wishing things were different in your life. Just....stop.

It is simple. Start doing what is pleasing and brings glory to God. Not because we need to earn elite status with Him, for we add nothing to God by following rules. If you see His commands a set of rules you will surely struggle with what grace looks like in our lives.

I've made some messes along the way. I've gotten comfortable a time or two. I've learned what the price tag is on that as well. I'm not perfect, but I am in love with a God who shows me the way and I choose to walk in it.

Be a sister who understands what kind of influence you can have in the life of someone else. Love fiercely. Forgive quickly. Encourage often. And remain in pursuit always.